Triforce!
by Brittle Bullet
Summary: What if all the annoying sounds, screens, dialogues, and repetitive texts were actually in the land of Hyrule? Comedy, that's what. Read as Link deals with spontaneously coming to life, tutorials, girls, and trying to save Hyrule. Make sure to review!


Everything was black. There was no sound, there was no movement. Something blipped inside my mind, and I suddenly awoke. It was almost as if, I just happened into existence that very moment. I ignored the fact that I had just been virtually born, and surveyed the environment around me. There was nothing. Everything was pitch dark. "Hello?" I called out. No answer, save my echoing voice. The feeling of all this darkness around me was cold, I didn't understand what was going on. Heck, I didn't even understand who I was.

In a few moments, text began to fold out before my eyes, flat and two dimensional. After it had finished writing itself out, I studied it. It read, "What is your name?"

This was weird. What _was_ my name? Who exactly was I? The word _link_ popped into my head right then, so I guessed that must be my name. "Link. Link is my name." My voice echoed in the darkness, carrying on to whatever end this darkness held. The text waited a moment, disappeared, and new text began writing out. After a moment, when it had completed its path across my vision, I saw that it read, "Link! You are the destined Hero of Time, the one who shall save all of Hyrule! Would you like to start your adventure now, or do you have the Code of Return?"

Code of... what? I don't even know what I'm doing here, I don't even know who I am, besides my name is Link and I'm getting pretty annoyed. Still, I decided to give whatever was controlling the text some decency and answer the question. "I don't even know what a Code of Return is, so I'll start my adventure now."

I waited for a moment after the text disappeared, wondering if more of the flat, square text would pop up. It didn't, and to my surprise, the world around me started to fade away, the blackness turning into a house. I felt myself getting sleepy, and I fell backwards, landing on something soft and plushy. I remember seeing a dim light on the ceiling before falling asleep...

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My eyes slowly opened, still a little heavy from such a deep sleep. I yawned, still a bit confused, but glad to be out of the cold, lonely darkness. I saw that I was in a small, cozy room, almost a hut, in a old wooden bed, covered with a large quilt bearing an odd pattern on it— it looked like a very large, golden triangle with a smaller, opposite-facing black triangle inscribed inside of it. I wondered what it meant— it seemed important, but my mind immediately became sidetracked when music suddenly started playing from an unknown source. It sounded electronic, and it was a little annoying. I looked around, desperate to find where the music was coming from, almost falling out of bed. The music's beat picked up into an adventurous, and even more annoying, tune.

"Gah! What is this, how can I turn this off?" I pleaded to no one in particular. I looked the room down a little better and saw a button on the wall that read "options". Of course, as with all buttons, I pushed it. Immediately, more of the blocky white text appeared in front of my face.

"Options at this point in time are: volume, save. Please press which you would like to do, Link!"

Uh, okay. Weird. I pressed the "volume" text, and immediately a scrollbar appeared. I pressed it down until the music was as low as it could be; sadly, I could not turn it off. But at least this way, it was more bearable. I pressed the "exit" text at the bottom and scratched my head, immediately realizing that I was wearing a hat. I pulled it off, causing my blond locks to fall in my face, and looked at it. It looked like a goblin hat, but I guess I was supposed to have it on, so I placed it back upon my confused little head. I surveyed what I was wearing; most of my attire was green, tunic and all, so I guess I was lucky that it's my favorite color. I headed for the small door on the other side of the room, turning the knob and walking outside, immediately getting bathed in the warm sunlight of the early afternoon.

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The environment was beautiful; trees were everywhere, somehow exactly alike, but the sun was placed perfectly in the sky to send shadows cascading over the soft grasses that sprouted from the dark ground. I looked around me, thoroughly intrigued with my surroundings. A few moments later, the adventurous tune began playing again, thankfully just as low as it was after I had adjusted the volume. I realized that I wouldn't figure out what I was doing here without asking someone, so I searched for anyone who could possibly give me information. My request was filled when I saw a rather old man working his crops, humming a melody under his breath. I ran over to him, eager to find answers, just as any curious ten-year-old would be, except other ten-year-olds know who they are and why they're where they are. I approached the man from behind, my small hand only reaching to his mid back. He immediately turned around, eying me with thin, slitted eyes.

"Hello, young man! You can buy weapons at the Weapon Shop!"

Uh, okay. That was pretty weird. "Sir, what is this place? Who am I?" I asked him, hopefully, he wasn't too senile. Again, he replied, "Hello, young man! You can buy weapons at the Weapon Shop!"

This process repeated itself several times. I would ask him what was going on, and he'd reply in that same voice, "Hello, young man! You can buy weapons at the weapon shop!" Eventually, I got tired of this. I was about to find some money, buy a sword, and shove it promptly up his wrinkly old senile behind when a younger, more intelligent voice rang out from behind me.

"Oh, hey, young boy, I wouldn't try talking to him. Old man Maharu isn't exactly the smartest man, he only babbles on about weapon shops and the girl that lives down at Lon Lon." he told me, before folding his arms and brushing his dark hair from his even darker eyes. Upon hearing the words "girl at Lon Lon," the old man immediately let out a spout of, "She's a fine girl, a fine girl indeed, her father should be proud." He turned to me and the gentlemen who just informed me of his lack of... sanity, and let out, one more time, "Why, hello there, young travelers! You can buy weapons at the weapon shop!" I finally had enough of this, and walked away, the dark-haired gentlemen following me.

"You seem to be new here, young boy. Welcome to the land of Hyrule, may I ask what your name is?" he questioned me, raising a curious eyebrow.

"My name is Link, and I'm really not sure what I'm doing here. The first thing I remember is waking up this morning..."

"Ah, Link, we have heard of your arrival." he replied, folding his arms across his chest. I wondered what he meant by that. "What do you mean, you have heard of my arrival?" I never knew some kid showing up and not knowing where the hell he was at would cause others to be intrigued about him. "You are the destined, Link. You are the Hero of Time, the one person who will save Hyrule from the clutches of the evil Ganondorf. Your quest will be long and hard, but you'll soon find that there are those that will help you along your way. Would you like a tutorial? It comes with a limited edition sword and shield!" he told me, suddenly excited when he mentioned the tutorial. I figured that if it helped me understand what was happening and how to survive any better, than I would accept his offer.

"Alright." I told him, "What do I need to do to pass this tutorial?" He grinned and somehow formed a small sword in his hand, handing it to me. A chime rang out and I felt the strange urge to jump and grin before grabbing the weapon. Well, I did. Red text folded out before me. "Congratulations, you found a small sword!" Somehow, it felt awesome. So I jumped in the air again, hoping the chime would ring out and I would get something else. Well, it didn't, and I looked pretty idiotic. "Okay, your job is to go chop down that grass, in front of my house, right over there, and collect twenty five rupees. That's the money in Hyrule." I nodded, feeling the sword in my hand, tightening my grip. Already I felt like I was getting more powerful, and I was about to learn how to wield a sword and make money. At the same time!

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I was standing in front of the yard, determination in my eyes. I knew that I had a job to do. Swordsmanship plus money, and hopefully some more information on what I was doing here. I narrowed my eyes and jumped into the sea of extraordinarily tall grass, hacking away. There was a large green diamond in front of me— I leaped for it and grabbed it. It immediately shrunk and let out a small jingly sound, and a "1" appeared in front of me. Does everything here make a sound and cause text to appear? Well, I had no time to worry, I had a yard to slice. It took me about fifteen minutes, and I gathered a small fortune of thirty-six rupees. I was really surprised that there were different colored ones that gave more than the usual one-rupee green ones. I then returned to the man who had set this job upon me, breathing a little roughly, but proud of my job well done.

"Good job," he praised me, "I see you've gathered a small amount of money, there. Now, I have another item for you. This should help you with your defense." He materialized a small wooden shield, emblazoned with the same triangular design as the one on my bedsheets. Anxious to have that warm feeling and cool little chime happen again, I jumped up and grabbed the shield, another goofy grin forcing itself on my face. More text appeared in front of me, as with the sword. "Congratulations, you found a wooden shield!" Now I was anxious to see what else I had to do, and how much more money I would get. "Now, Link, if you finish this quest, I'll give you some information, and you can start your quest to save Hyrule. Deal?" Of course I nodded my head goofily in agreement, I was anxious to get more money and get on my way to do whatever quest I was supposed to do. I had to find a purpose for myself, after all. Without guidance, I was merely a small child, wandering in an unknown world.

"Your quest," he interrupted my small mind-skip, "is to eliminate those pesky creatures from my backyard. I'm not sure what they are, but they're annoying, and they shoot these really hard, slimy things toward you. Make sure not to get hit, or you'll lose half a heart."

"Half a heart?" I replied, honestly confused. He smiled a bit at my stupidity, and pointed to his wrist, as if gesturing to check what time it was. When I looked at my wrist, there was a small watch on my hand, and I pressed the "on" button. Out of nowhere, a small screen showed up, showing my health, which I presumed was three hearts, my "progress", which was at 1, and my equipment, the sword and shield. I was a little confused and awed by this, my overall well-being measured by small, pixelly hearts, but I guess it would be helpful to know when in battle.

"Now, young hero, to defeat the monsters, you must use that small shield to deflect the projectiles back to them. That will knock them out for good, and you'll be ridding my yard of pests while you're at it." I understood what I had to do, and I nodded before running back down the grassy path to his yard, wheeling around back, excited about getting a little more experience in battle. Almost instantly, I saw the monster I was meant to destroy.

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"Kwee kwee!" the creature screamed, spitting the large projectile at me. I immediately sunk down to a knee, covering my body with the shield, being lightly knocked back when the bullet hit and was sent back to the gross-looking creature. It hit the thing head on, causing it to let out a moan and fall over. Well, that was easy. I lucked out when I saw it had dropped a red rupee, but as I rushed to get it, I was hit in the shin with a bullet, causing me to fall down. I looked for the bullet so I could throw it back to the idiot creature, but it vanished into the ground. I looked back at the creature that had struck me, seeing the second projectile closing in. I readied my shield and sent the projectile back, hitting the fiend right in the gullet, killing it instantly. I looked back to see where the red rupee was, and noticed it was flashing. Before I could even walk to get it, it somehow disappeared!

Woah, how does that happen? Something that was there just... vanishes? That doesn't make sense, and it's very inconvenient! I noticed the second monster dropped a heart, so I grabbed it. My hand promptly absorbed it and I gained the half-heart I lost back, before noticing the pain in my leg was now gone.

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This went on for about an hour. I didn't have any idea there would be so many of these things! The midday sun beamed down on me, causing buckets of sweat to cascade down over my tired face as the last spitter fell. I dropped to both knees. When I looked up, the dark-haired man was somehow standing in front of me, like he just pixelated there or something.

"Good job, kid. You mowed my lawn and exterminated the pests. You're a lifesaver," he joked, offering me a hand to stand up. "You can keep the shield and sword, you'll need it. And I see that you gained more rupees from the monsters." That was true, I gained another whopping seventy-six rupees from the evil spitters. "Now, for your final test. Pass this, and I'll let you go, on your own, and I'll also give you a gift. Fail, and you'll have to start everything over." What did he mean, start everything over? "Time for your first boss battle, kid." he told me, and the background music suddenly changed into a faster-paced, more upbeat one. The ground began shaking, cracking open. I looked back to see where my guide had went to, but he was nowhere to be found. Before me rose a very large form of the monster I had just destroyed, and as I let out the biggest gulp any ten-year-old had ever let out. It was huge, bigger than the guide's house, and it wasn't a shabby place, either. I didn't have any more time to think when I heard it roar in a deep, angered tone, "Who slaughta'd mah babies?!"

I gulped again. This wasn't going to be easy.

(end chapter one)

A/N: Hey, thanks for reading! This isn't made to make fun of LoZ, I know some of you may be thinking that. I just thought it would be funny if everything that we heard and saw when we played the original LoZ happened in their world, too. If you looked at the genre at the top and wondered where the romance was, it'll be coming in later chapters. We gotta get Link's adventure started, and let him grow up, too! Oh, is that a spoiler? Oh, and I don't own Zelda. There's your disclaimer. Ha. Be sure to review! I need constructive critisism!


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